On Unconditional Love
As I am writing this column, I have just come from hearing the gospel story known as “The Woman at the Well,” in which a Samaritan woman with a dubious social status and a complicated past has an encounter with Jesus that changes her life. In the story, Jesus promises the woman a never-ending source of fulfillment which he calls “living water.” In his homily, our pastor called this fulfillment by yet another name – unconditional love.
When Jesus engaged the woman at the well in meaningful conversation despite her social status, He was treating her as a person of great value. The shadows of her past disappeared in the light of His unconditional love, and she began to see herself as a person of value. She was no longer an empty person constantly seeking the world’s esteem. Jesus had given her a source of esteem that would sustain her in every circumstance that she would encounter in life because it was not dependent on outside circumstances. It flowed from within. It was not the esteem that the world gives, it was self-esteem. Full of this newfound self-esteem, the woman leaves her empty bucket at the well and goes off to engage in her community in a new way, confident that she now has something to offer.
Leading experts in the field of psychology say that the roots of positive self-esteem are formed very early in life when infants are first exposed to unconditional love and nurturing. Deprived of this kind of love, children do not thrive, either emotionally or physically. However, this kind of love and nurturing is never easy for the people providing it. I was reminded of that fact just a few weeks ago, when I visited my niece Rachel and her beautiful three-week-old daughter Abigail Grace.
When I arrived at Rachel’s house around noon, she apologized for still being in her pajamas. She had the bewildered, depleted look very common to new mothers as she explained that the baby had been fussy all morning and she had been unable to put her down long enough to shower or dress. Over the next few hours, as I watched Rachel caring for her needy daughter, I noticed a repeating pattern playing out. It went something like this:
Walk, soothe, feed, pat, bathe. (Repeat)
It was the exhausting pattern of giving unconditional love to a person whom, at the moment, has nothing to give in return. I remembered the pattern well from my own days of young motherhood. When I thought about it, I realized it was also a pattern that played out over and over again in the life of Jesus: Walk, soothe, feed, pat, bathe. (Repeat)
Jesus offered unconditional love as He walked tirelessly along the dusty roads of Israel, teaching people who were desperate for understanding. He offered unconditional love when He calmed the storm at sea and soothed those who were drowning in fear. He offered unconditional love when He reached out to touch the lepers, the sick and the blind. He offered unconditional love when He fed the multitudes on the mountain and the disciples at the table. He offered unconditional love when He washed his disciples’ feet.
In the scripture passage 1 John 4:19, we find the words, “We love because He first loved us.” Unconditional love is transformational because once given, it is self-sustaining. My niece’s relentless nurturing of her tiny daughter is carving deep into her psyche the knowledge that she is a valuable and precious person. From that knowledge, her self-esteem will spring and flow into her life.
Years from now, when Abigail strikes out in the big game or when she fails the test or loses the job, her pride may suffer; but her self-esteem will not collapse because it will not be dependent on outside circumstances. It will be fed from a well deep within, a well that was formed in the earliest, most needy days of her life when she encountered unconditional love. And because Abigail has been deeply and unconditionally loved, she will someday be able to love others deeply and unconditionally.
Because that’s the way the pattern goes:
Walk, soothe, feed, pat, bathe. (Repeat)
