Marriage And Forgiveness: Recognizing That Reconciliation Enhances Unity
Episodes of disagreement and emotional hurt occur in every marriage, irrespective of partners’ mutual love. These may stem from any number of offenses that violate relationship standards, such as the failure to prioritize the well being of one’s spouse, or speaking and acting rashly.
Couples deliberating engagement and marriage should understand that some disagreement and emotional hurt is normal and, moreover, an inevitable consequence of two individuals living together in marital intimacy. Couples should also recognize that preemptively establishing ground rules to foster forgiveness may enhance their unity.
Both must agree on a process that will foster forgiveness and a rebuilding of the marital bond. The offending partner should try to be conscientious after he or she causes injury. Ideally, the spouse at fault will approach the other immediately after realizing the offense, admit responsibility and earnestly ask for forgiveness. Acknowledge “I am at fault.” Then declare, “I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you.”
Humbly imploring forgiveness deliberately exposes the offender’s vulnerability; attempting to modify the offensive behavior is an indication of personal maturity and can bolster marital affection.
At other times, an offending spouse may be initially unwilling to apologize or unaware that his or her conduct has grieved the other. Therefore, the injured spouse must initiate forgiveness in a loving and thoughtful manner. The following helpful hints may facilitate the process.
The offended spouse must first discern if a grievance has actually been committed. If so, it’s important to assess the weight of the injury — downplaying a true offense implies unworthiness of acceptable treatment. Denial can negatively impact marital health; it facilitates the offensive behavior, allows resentment to fester and increases the number of issues that you and your partner are uncomfortable discussing with one another, thereby debilitating couple communication.
It is suitable to confront the offending partner about the painful incident, but exercise prudence when selecting the time for such discussion. Avoid occasions when both are tired or severely stressed. Accept that the offending partner may be unaware of the offense. Recognize differences in expectations and perceptions. Both partners, out of love and respect for one another, should be willing to carefully listen to one another’s point of view.
Forgiveness may need to be reciprocal. Both of you should try to recollect how and why the offense was triggered. Hopefully, the partner at fault will admit his or her failure, ask for forgiveness and earnestly pledge to amend the offensive behavior. On the other hand, be willing to impart forgiveness if you were offended — and implore forgiveness if you had initially retaliated or tried to “get even.”
An apology should not contain any hint of sarcasm; it should never be employed to “one up” a partner. A clear request for forgiveness avoids the perception that the apology is unfelt.
Marital forgiveness provides an invitation to discuss and resolve hurtful behavior in a way that enhances the well being of both spouses. It does not indicate acceptance of offensive behavior, that a behavior is excusable, that it will necessarily be forgotten or that the behavior is condoned.
Forgiveness does not imply that the grievance was justified. It does not imply weakness, in fact; it presents a troubling indicator of marital problems if the offending spouse construes acceptance of his or her apology as a license to continue offending.
Some marital hurts, such as infidelity or malicious betrayals of trust and love, are so searing and reprehensible that God’s grace alone will enable forgiveness. These offenses, as well as chronic misbehaviors including addictions and violence, invite professional counseling. Quickly reuniting with an emotional or physically abusive partner may actually be dangerous to your mental or physical wellbeing and that of children or other family members.
Forgiveness takes time. The verbal giving and accepting of apologies does not necessarily signal that the offense “is behind” you. It is impossible to return to the “status quo,” even if this is the initial desire of the offending partner.
The words “I forgive you” should initiate a process of mutual reexamination of the relationship. Ideally, this will ultimately foster trust and understanding, and lead to a renewed commitment to one another.
In Christian marriage, the goal of forgiveness is not simply the resolution of hurtful behavior and the relinquishment of resentment stemming from past injuries. Rather, it is reconciliation wherein the human and Christian dignity of one another is reciprocally appreciated and negative feelings are replaced with a more powerful good.
Peace overthrows resentment, friendship supplants separation, and intimacy overcomes emotional distance. Reconciliation enhances unity, which is an objective of Christian marriage.
