The Teacher Is Always Quiet During The Test
“When you’re going through something difficult and you wonder where God is, remember the teacher is always quiet during the test.” - Anonymous
The butterflies in my stomach fluttered early in the morning during my normal waking routines. Coffee that normally enhanced my senses sank into a puddle of mud at the pit of my stomach. A dull ache radiated in my frontal lobe; my hands started to have the smallest of tremors; and my patience was wearing a bit thin as the passengers of my car fought over radio stations and seat choices. Finally, silence came after children were dropped off at their respective schools. I began praying a decade of the rosary, hoping to focus and ease my mind from the task at hand.
It had been more than 20 years since I last took the Praxis exams towards my teacher’s license. (In booklet form, no less.) I cannot remember if turning off cell phones was a concern because smart phones did not exist. This time around, as I prepared to take my exams to qualify me as a school administrator, not only were cell phones not allowed, but a good 10 minutes was spent emptying pockets, locking up belongings, pulling up sleeves and having a stranger examine my glasses to make sure nothing was present to indicate I was planning to cheat on the exam. A palm scan was done on both hands multiple times for identification purposes just to allow me into the testing area.
The test began abruptly - I did not realize the 150-minute exam would begin as soon as we arrived at the station. It started with a video - or at least that was the plan. But as I sat, the video did not begin. I contemplated what to do; the test administrator had explained multiple times that I should not get up, and any variance from the instructions could result in my test being marked invalid. So I raised my hand. And waited. I was stuck with my hand in the air not knowing what to do. Finally, the administrator came to my aid. Well, not exactly because she told me that this was normal and I should just wait it out.
And by that time the flop sweat had begun.
I composed myself and carried on; 150 minutes passed quickly, but when I finished I felt confident that I had done my very best.
After one last palm scan to allow me out of the testing area (in case I had morphed into an alternate being) I was handed a paper. Expecting to see my score, I was surprised to see it contained only a website link where one could check their scores.
I hurried to my car, pulled out my smart phone and followed the link - only to find out that scores would be available in 20 days.
Twenty days.
This was unexpected and shocking. Suddenly, I was struck with a case of nerves and anxiety stronger than before I took the test. I needed to know. NOW.
It was surreal being back in the shoes of a student.
I thought of the hundreds of students to whom I administered the ISTEP test over the last 20 years. I remembered the tears shed out of frustration by students who were stumped by an answer or frustrated from technological “glitches.” I recalled the pre-test sessions of jumping jacks and cheers, “If you get writer’s block - just remember YOU ROCK!” And I remembered telling them that this test, this lone test, did not determine who they were as a student. My go-to statement, repeated dozens of times throughout the years, “Walk away from this knowing you did your very best. That’s all you can do.”
This time I had to be the voice in my own head telling myself, “Put your positive pants on - you got this.”
Inhale confidence; exhale doubt. And pray another decade of the Rosary.
Prayer for students
Dear God,
Thank you for the gift of education in every form.
As our children prepare for testing
May confidence be their foundation,
May grace be their guide and
May hope be their compass toward a bright future.
I pray they would have eyes to see
The needs of those around them
And a heart to love well.
May they face each day with positivity
Knowing that no matter what comes their way
They do not have to face it alone.
Amen
