When I Am Afraid, I Put My Trust In You

Two years. 

That’s how long I lived with the underlying premonition that something wasn’t quite right with my health. For two years I had nights where I would lie awake, afraid of what might be wrong.  I would convince myself that it was only the inevitability of reaching middle age causing my weariness, my aches, my pains … but all the while the gnawing at the subconscious of my mind would not go away.

I would pray. I would pray for good health, for all the strange feelings to subside and for me to feel myself again.  Ultimately, I prayed for it all to magically go away.  It didn’t.

My prayers were answered, however, in the usual way.  The long way around.

Inspiration to take action came from an unexpected source: a gentleman who had not gone to the dentist for most of his adult life.

With many resignations, this man reached a point where he could no longer ignore his pain and discomfort and made an appointment to see the dentist.  A list of grueling procedures followed, but none of which was worse than what he had anticipated in his own imagination. When all was said and done, he felt nothing but relief when it was over.

His outtake?  “I’ll never wait that long again.”

He had no idea how much he inspired me. I found myself taking baby steps.  A yearly dentist visit went without a hitch, so I scheduled an eye appt.  No problems there, so I scheduled a physical.  And as I expected, I was scheduled for several tests, including a scan for what I feared the most.

And one of the tests came out positive.

And I grieved.

And then I celebrated.  Because out of all the possible outcomes, my diagnosis was NOT cancer or life threatening.  And literally, one week after the diagnosis and starting treatment, I felt better than I had in years.  

We often are afraid of others not seeing us in the perfect light.  However, it was through this man’s sharing of what ultimately was a weakness, a fear, that gave me the courage to no longer succumb to my own phobias.

Disease, terrorism, natural disasters, war, violence and crime; we live in a world where we see and hear about horrors every day.  It's hard not to be afraid. I am afraid. I return to Psalm 56:3, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."

Another dear friend once shared with me that as she swims laps each morning she prays the Rosary.  The synthesis of exercise for her physical and spiritual wellness stuck with me as a perfect combination. So, I will continue to make healthy choices, eat my vegetables, pray and give thanks to God for this path he has set for me. And I pray that my friends continue to share their tales so we can learn from each other’s mistakes.