Grief And The Holiday Season
The experience of grief during the holidays can be overwhelming, devastating, paralyzing and isolating for some family members. Facing the holiday without the loved one(s) you have been used to enjoying it with can create a void and possible dread. How will we cope? What traditions do we hold on to? How do we grieve while time stands still for us and the rest of the world moves rapidly onward? How do I say no to friends who might want to do something that does not work for me and my family?
As C.S. Lewis states,“How often will it be for always? How often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, ‘I never realized my loss till this moment?’”
I have learned a great many things from teens and families who have experienced loss in my job as a Youth First Social Worker; here are a few ideas on how to deal with grief and the holidays:
First and foremost, it’s okay to feel the loss. Do not ignore the feelings of sadness that sometimes surface for the sake of trying to create an all happy holiday. Schedule time for yourself and others affected by the loss to acknowledge that loss. Examples include a moment of silent reflection; time to share a favorite memory; time to tell a funny story about Christmas with their loved one. Give permission to enjoy the holiday as well as permission to have moments of sadness. Some youth report feeling like they are supposed to be sad, but realizing it is okay to feel sad, mad, and glad at different moments can be healthy in dealing with their grief through the holiday.
Decide ahead of time which traditions you will keep and which to let go of. Communicate with other family members to explore with them what traditions or experiences they would like to repeat as a way to remember their loved one. For instance, one family I spoke with placed a wreath at the table where it was Grandmother’s place. The family decided to make sure there was pumpkin pie (Grandma’s favorite) but to skip the fully home cooked meal (too hard to be in the kitchen where the memories of Grandma were so powerful).
Schedule time to talk about your loss with a counselor or friend who can relate well to your experience. It can be very liberating to take a moment to let down your desire to appear strong and happy around the holidays and let loose in a safe place. I have had occasions when teens or parents have just needed 15 minutes to say a few things on their mind, shed a tear, and then felt that that alone helped them deal with their holiday much better. Release of strong emotions is healing in response to the heaviness of grief.
Consider volunteering and getting your mind onto caring for others. It can be easy to get in a mode of thinking only about your personal experience, but teens dealing with grief reported it being helpful to learn and help others who are going through rough times as well. They say, in a way, it helps them realize they’re not alone in this world of difficult things and helps them appreciate and find gratitude for things they once were not able to see.
Be aware that most report their first holiday without their loved one was very painful, but in time they say it got easier and that most were able to feel happy again during the holidays. Some say this to be true especially when they have others to share in that experience by doing positive activities that help distract the mind from dwelling entirely on their loss 100 percent of the time. So, plan ahead new as well as old activities that generally create social interaction as well as new fun adventures with family members.
Fehsenfeld serves as Youth First Social Worker at Reitz Memorial High School.
