Learning Conflict Resolution Through Life Experience

Each school year brings opportunities for students to learn conflict-resolution skills as many dynamics come into play. This includes changes in relationships and peer groups, grade-level changes, diversity issues, and home-life stressors that carry over into the school environment.  Conflicts can occur in all areas of life including school, friends, and family.

According to the Life Skills curriculum used in many schools there are two things at stake in most conflicts: 1) Each person's goals and 2) the relationship itself.  Three common reactions to relationship conflict are “striking back,” “giving in” and “breaking it off.”  None of these is solution-focused, and all typically fall short of both parties achieving a goal and/or the relationship maintaining itself.

 Solutions we try to teach and model through peer-mediation opportunities with students in the schools often include compromising, where each side gives up something to gain something.  An example of this might be if two sisters assigned chores do not like the ones they each have and agree to switch and complete them; in this case, compromises have occurred.  Another conflict-resolution strategy is negotiation, where both parties work together to come up with a solution whereby both get what is most important to them.  A successful negotiation might be where two siblings want to play on the family IPad at the same time and come to an agreement that they each will get 10 minutes on the Smartphone and 10 minutes on the IPad, then switch.

Botvin LifeSkills Training is a curriculum designed to assist students in developing core skills that will prevent substance abuse and enhance interactions with peers and families. Here are some additional tips for handling conflict resolution:

Use of anger-management skills during conflict is important as it is natural to feel angry when disagreements occur, insults are made or power struggles strike.  It is more important to step back from anger and keep emotions under control in order to effectively resolve conflict.  Possible anger-management skills might include deep/mindful breathing, counting and/or self-talk statements.  Self-talk statements are those conversations we have with ourselves during the situation and can be helpful in deescalating the situation.  "I do not need to feel threatened here;" or "I do not need to prove myself in this situation.  I can stay calm".

"Power Talk" or the use of "I" statements are important to communicate and take responsibility for feelings in the situation in a way that does not blame or insult.  As an example, "I get mad when you talk about me behind my back because it is hurtful.  Please stop."  Another form of this might be "When you leave me out of the game we play at recess I feel hurt because I don't feel included.  Please let me join you."

Respect and actively listening to another's point of view are essentials to understand where they are coming from.  Acknowledging the other person's view goes a long way in the conflict.

Asking questions and paraphrasing are important in conflict resolution.  "You thought I was trying to leave you out of the game at recess?"  "Did I hear you say you thought I was talking behind your back?"

These are life skills and can be used no matter the age!  Parents can also practice these at home!

The key is to practice, practice and practice.  After all, as saying goes, "It is never wrong to do the right thing!"

Sommers is Youth First social worker at Annunciation Catholic Schools’ Christ the King and Holy spirit campuses, and at St. John the Baptist School in Newburgh.