Discerning God's Call

    Some months ago I was rummaging through a stack of books when I came across a list our oldest son and I had made 22 years ago. It included the positives and negatives of two colleges he was considering. He had put off the decision until the last possible moment because both schools had much to offer. On the one hand, a diploma from Wabash might carry more weight on a resume for graduate school. On the other hand, having attended Mater Dei, he was ready for a larger, more diverse atmosphere. There were other factors, too.

    I remember that night vividly. After I had recorded his ideas, I told him, “I know where you want to go.”

    “Tell me,” he said.

      I refused his request, kidding him that if I was wrong, I did not wish to bear the blame later. “Where do you think you want to go?” I asked.

     He answered, “Ball State,” and quickly asked, “Is that right?” I agreed. Ball State had been his choice all along; but committing to the actual decision was difficult because in choosing one school, he shut the door on the possibilities of the other. He could not have both. However, once he decided, I do not think he looked back, and the choice served him well.

     We all struggle with important decisions in our lives, particularly when, on the surface, we are considering what appear to be equally favorable options. I know I do. Three years ago, I began to consider retiring. At the time I had taught for 33 enjoyable years. However, my father’s death, as well as the addition of many grandchildren, made me realize I needed more time to spend with family. I often told friends I felt like I was leading two full-time lives.

     While there were obvious advantages to having more free time, those had to be weighed against the loss of a salary and benefits, and also losing the purpose that had helped define me for many years.

     During that school year, I wrestled with the choice. Finally, one sleepless night, I decided to read from one of the books that I had chosen to help me with this decision. Like many moments before, I prayed that a line would appear and end the struggle. Sure enough, about 10 pages in the answer popped out. I read these words, “When there is uncertainty, wait.”  My decision seemed clear. I stayed and discovered it had been the right option.

     The following year I again grappled with the same choice. I prayed about it, talked to people whose wisdom I trusted, weighed the pros and cons, and finally took a deep breath and retired. I would be dishonest to say that I immediately felt I had made the right choice. The truth is that, that summer, I hit some dark moments when I questioned what I had done. However, each time I felt uncertainty, someone appeared in my path and unknowingly reassured me with a story or a comment. 

     While I would prefer a flashing neon billboard or some well-placed street sign to direct my way, His way is more subtle and demands patience (a virtue discouraged in our instant-gratification society). Instead, God equips us with a variety of tools to navigate the puzzles in our lives.

     Time and experience have led me to the realization that silence followed by prayer, formal or informal, is vital. Reading spiritual literature, the daily readings, and the lives of saints also provides insight into the process of discernment. More recently, I have become aware that being present to the moment and listening intently to those in my company has proved invaluable.

     Armed with these devices, we take that polar bear plunge into uncertainty and live with the choice. Thomas Merton said it well. “My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end…But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you…And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road….”

         I am learning to live with ambiguity.