Fostering Teens' Independence And Responsibility

Being a parent can often be described as the greatest joy of one's life.  It is amazing that an experience that is often described so fondly is also characterized by most parents as the greatest challenge they have faced.  A wide set of emotions can be experienced on this journey, particularly during the pre-teen and teen years.  This occurs for parents as well as our teens.  If we can relate to the developmental challenges that our children are experiencing, it may help us to respond in a manner that results in the least resistance and greatest gain.

There are many physical, emotional and mental changes that teenagers are experiencing.  Most teens are at the developmental stage of approaching individuation.  For most children who are pre-teens, their beliefs, values and subsequently their choices are primarily based on what their parents have taught them and modeled.  As our youth approach the teen years, they begin to desire to become their own person with their own set of values and belief systems.  During this individuation process, parents can interpret this as rebelling and potentially disobeying. Teens’ decision-making skills are the last skills mastered during the development of the brain.  As our teens seek independence, they can often experience confusion between wanting to have a good time and their desire to be taken seriously.  Independence for teenagers can be translated to finding ways to “belong” outside of the family.  Research indicates that parents have the most influence over their children's decisions.  Their peers can often take a close second in influencing their decisions.  In addition, social media creates greater access to their peers/friends while also creating a closer bond.  Now more than ever, parents should be facilitating this independence while maintaining a healthy relationship. 

Independence and responsibility must occur in harmony.  If a teen is given independence without nurturing attention and building on their responsibility, they may feel out of control and act accordingly.  Parents must use consequences while allowing their teen to make decisions.  Discipline and consequences are necessary to help teenagers make better decisions.  It should be acknowledged that for many parents, this transition can be difficult.  Allowing your child to fail can be grueling to watch.  The old adage that a mother is only as happy as her saddest child can ring very true while we allow them to experience the pain that can go along with poor decisions.  It can also feel as though we are losing our close relationships with our children as they tend to nurture their relationships with friends more than family.  With work and commitment, most parents find that maintaining good communication and providing rules that create a balance in time spent with friends and the family often results in healthy and enjoyable relationships. 

Dinkmeyer & Dinkmeyer provide good guidelines for parents to follow when deciding whether to get involved in a problem their teen is experiencing.  In their book, "Parenting Teenagers, Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens," they discuss the importance of deciding who actually owns the problem before forcing parental involvement. The following questions are encouraged to be explored:

1. Can anyone get hurt?

2. Are any rights being disrespected?

3. Is anyone's property threatened?

4. Is my teen unable to take this responsibility?

Dinkmeyer & Dinkmeyer state that if any of these questions is answered yes, then both the parent and the teen own the problem.  This would indicate that joined problem solving and parental monitoring is in place.  If each question has a response of no, then the teen would own the problem and be allowed the independence to make a decision, regardless of a potentially natural consequence occurring.   

Raising a teenager can feel stressful and chaotic.  It is important to schedule time to enjoy each other without conversation over tense subjects.  Remember that, hopefully, they will get a teenager of their own someday!

Dassell is the Youth First social worker at Mater Dei High School in Evansville.