From Reckless To Reconciliation

What can we do when hope seems lost and family interactions become more reckless and chaotic? Do we give up?
A mother and her teen daughter have a tense relationship. The daughter makes one poor decision after another. The mother is removing one privilege after another and has very little hope in her heart about change. In fact, she can barely stand to be in the same room with her daughter – and vice versa. Locked in a power struggle, neither back down; and neither wins. Tensions brew.
A father and his 10-year-old son battle about how much time he can spend on video games. The son refuses to comply with the limits, and the father has had it. Dad has tried being reasonable, yet he’s also tried yelling and threatening to sell the game system altogether. Both father and son get angry quickly when the subject is brought up.
A grandfather watches as his adult daughter struggles with alcohol abuse. He worries about his grandchildren; he worries about his daughter driving the car with the kids in it. He has threatened her, and he has tried intervention, but she has hurt a lot of people, and no one is interested in reaching out.
The power of conflict and hurtful words occurring over time cannot be overstated. These dynamics can lead to substance abuse, family domestic violence, hateful words and hostility. Challenging, stressful family dynamics can occur in every family. Tension and conflict are a part of the richness of human relationships moving toward or away from one another.
But mounting tensions can create more “ugliness” on both sides. Like storms brewing, power struggles often create desires for retaliation, revenge or just upping the ante. The storm can take on a reckless path of destruction and a life of its own, resulting in damaging/hurt feelings or chronic discord. Life is not without its own burdens, and the routine stressors of finances, heavy workloads, health concerns or family-member needs can only add to the gale forces. The concept of creating a culture of family unity and peace may seem only like a mirage in the desert.
Yet calm in the center of the storm is available for us. Reconciliation is a key part of Christ’s ministry. As the Apostle Paul writes, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:17-18).
Reconciliation is defined as the act of joining together again; the act of causing two people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement. This process of building a bridge where there is brokenness grants both peace and freedom.
Where do we begin? Step one: Be willing to address the plank. As Christ directs “First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”  It can be hard to see our own shortcomings. So well ingrained are we in our patterns, and lacking space to step back and look at ourselves. Look within: Consider the processes that maintain tension and irritation. Consider your natural inclinations and alternatives.
Step two: Ask for help.  Our tendencies are toward independence rather than the interdependence that creates healthier families. Ask for clarity; and if you are brave enough, ask “What is it like to live with me as a spouse/ mother/father/son/daughter?”
Step three: Try something new. Let the idea of “the new is here!” take over. Try a different response that is driven by a desire to demonstrate love and change the patterns of division.
In this Lenten season, let us look within, practice change and look to the Lord for guidance in letting go of the ways that promote recklessness and harm.
Davi Stein-Kiley is Vice President of Social Work & Programs for Youth First.